...'cos the face sure ain't listening.
How dare the millionaire left-wing Labour Party fantasist Neal Lawson claim the moral high ground and demand in The Independent that Gordon should step down and return to The Treasury?
How dare he claim in The Guardian that the local elections saw the final collapse of the New Labour project?
How dare he fill the columns of The Spectator blog this morning under the banner Brown loses his Compass?
Ed Balls is right - it's all the fault of Darling and Field and they'll have to go, along with Lawson. Once we've thrown them out of the Party, we can get back to listening.
As long, of course, as it's not listening to Cherie.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Talk To The Hand...
Friday, May 09, 2008
This Poll
Yes, the one published by Rupert Murdoch just before he finally jumps ship and declares the full support of his empire for the Conservatives. The one showing the Tories 26% ahead of Labour, with the Tories on 49% and Labour on 23% - the lowest rating for the Labour Party since Ramsay MacDonald. Things wouldn't be so bad if the poll didn't show that these figures depend on the charisma of Gordon Brown as Leader - with even worse results predicted under the leadership of prospective successors Ed Balls, David Miliband, Jack Straw, Harriet Harman, Andy Burnham, Alan Johnson and James Purnell - as well as Tony Blair on a comeback tour.
Electoral Calculus projects a Tory majority of 56 if a General Election were to take place tomorrow, based on local opinion poll results and electoral boundary changes. I don't want to publish the analysis of the May 1st results I've seen, because I don't want to be responsible for a number of Labour MPs defending majorities in excess of 15,000 jumping off Big Ben. But here goes anyway - the following Labour MPs would be pretty much guaranteed to lose their seats based on last week's results:
Nick Ainger, Janet Anderson, Ian Austin, Gordon Banks, Celia Barlow, Roger Berry, Bob Blizzard, David Borrow, Ben Bradshaw, Russell Brown, Karen Buck, Colin Burgon, Alan Campbell, Martin Caton, Ian Cawsey, Ben Chapman, David Chaytor, Charles Clarke, Vernon Coaker, Rosie Cooper, David Crausby, Mary Creagh, Jon Cruddas, Ann Cryer, Jim Cunningham, Claire Curtis-Thomas, Janet Dean, Parmjit Dhanda, Andrew Dismore, David Drew, Clive Efford, Jim Fitzpatrick, Paul Flynn, Barbara Follett, Michael Foster, Michael Foster, Ian Gibson, Linda Gilroy, Patrick Hall, Mike Hall, Fabian Hamilton, Sylvia Heal, Phil Hope, Kelvin Hopkins, Lindsay Hoyle, Joan Humble, John Hutton, Brian Jenkins, Sally Keeble, Ann Keen, Ruth Kelly, Sadiq Khan, David Kidney, Jim Knight, David Lepper, Tom Levitt, Martin Linton, Andrew Mackinlay, Shahid Malik, Judy Mallaber, John Mann, Robert Marris, Eric Martlew, Christine McCafferty, Sarah McCarthy-Fry, James McGovern, Shona McIsaac, Tony McNulty, Gillian Merron, Andrew Miller, Laura Moffatt, Chris Mole, Margaret Moran, Julie Morgan, Kali Mountford, Doug Naysmith, Dan Norris, Mike O'Brien, Bill Olner, Albert Owen, Nick Palmer, Ian Pearson, James Plaskitt, Greg Pope, Gordon Prentice, Gwyn Prosser, Bill Rammell, Jamie Reed, Andy Reed, Linda Riordan, Chris Ruane, Christine Russell, Martin Salter, Jonathan Shaw, Marsha Singh, Andrew Slaughter, Angela Smith, Geraldine Smith, Andrew Smith, Jacqui Smith, John Smith, Anna Snelgrove, Helen Southworth, Phyllis Starkey, Howard Stoate, Gisela Stuart, David Taylor, Dari Taylor, Gareth Thomas, Emily Thornberry, Mark Todd, Paul Truswell, Desmond Turner, Lynda Waltho, Claire Ward, Betty Williams, Michael Wills, Mike Wood, Tony Wright, David Wright.
Still, it's not all bad news. The list may include four Cabinet Ministers, but it also includes Jon Cruddas.
So where now? Is the New Labour Project finished, as claimed by Seumas Milne in The Guardian, Rishabh Bhandari in The Times of India, Steve Richards in the Independent and many other Labour-hating journalists. Or is Peter Mandelson in The Daily Telegraph right when he tells Gordon that he's not New Labour enough? I think you know where I stand on this. I just hope the Labour MPs above will see sense and be prepared to sacrifice themselves for the greater good.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Dog Tags
I'm not a great fan of tags - the online equivalent of chain letters - but other kids didn't often invite me to take part in playground games when I was at school, so I'm really quite chuffed.
I've been asked to tell you six random things about me by the former Labour MP for Reading East, Jane Griffiths. I hope that I don't get into trouble for responding to her request as the former GCHQ linguist is currently on the run from HM Customs and Revenue and Reading County Court, having done a bunk to Latvia rather than appear in the dock to face bankruptcy charges. She now claims to be working for "a European institute in Strasbourg". I can't imagine what that could be, but I suspect she may be getting advice on avoiding prosecution from Peter Mandelson.
At risk of being associated with controversial, deselected, conservative, bankrupt, absconding Labour MPs, here goes:
Meanwhile, Crudas supporter Will Parbury has instructed me to:
The Prince, by Niccolò Machiavelli, (published 1515)
P.123, fifth sentence:
"A prince, therefore, ought always to take counsel, but only when he wishes and not when others wish; he ought rather to discourage every one from offering advice unless he asks it; but, however, he ought to be a constant inquirer, and afterwards a patient listener concerning the things of which he inquired; also, on learning that any one, on any consideration, has not told him the truth, he should let his anger be felt."
Next three sentences:
"And if there are some who think that a prince who conveys an impression of his wisdom is not so through his own ability, but through the good advisers that he has around him, beyond doubt they are deceived, because this is an axiom which never fails: that a prince who is not wise himself will never take good advice, unless by chance he has yielded his affairs entirely to one person who happens to be a very prudent man. In this case indeed he may be well governed, but it would not be for long, because such a governor would in a short time take away his state from him. But if a prince who is not experienced should take counsel from more than one he will never get united counsels, nor will he know how to unite them."
I'm tagging:
Paul Anderson
Dave Osler
Susan Press
Kerron Cross
Luke Young
and, because I can't count up to five correctly,
Alix Mortimer
I'm Back - And No, I Haven't Destroyed My Political Career
| Wow, I needed that! After the difficulties of last Thursday and Friday, I was desperate to get away from it all, so Linda and I headed off to our apartment in Andalucia for a few days, leaving Augustus with his grandmother for a change. The sun, sea and sangria were fantastic, although I must admit that I missed Hackney weather, London Fields lido and a pint of John Smith's. Mind you, it would have been even more enjoyable if I hadn't been forced to wear a balaclava all week - but such is the price of fame. With all those planning committee officers wandering around the village and sunning themselves on neighbouring balconies, I had to keep covered up to avoid being recognised. It's a good job we didn't have time to venture further, as I've been fancying a trip to Burma for some time. But the place has been devastated by a cyclone named after one of my Councillors, which is strange because she's not at all windy or wet. |
| For those who were on Mars last week and don't know about my media career launch, here are clips of me leading the Election Night blogging team, with Iain the ugly Tory and Alix the tasty LibDem playing minor roles in the background. Have I destroyed my own political career, as suggested by Emily Maitlis? I don't think so! Her helpful suggestion: "do let us help you", accompanied by sniggering from Dimbleby, fellow bloggers and members of the camera crew was just a sign of their jealousy. I don't see anything funny about having had Ken Livingstone use my flat for essential bodily functions while out canvassing. After all, what alternative did he have given that we've closed down all the public conveniences? The fact that I spun the story so my place became the "campaign headquarters for the key Labour area of Hackney North" deserved better than the suggestion from Maitlis that I should install a blue plaque inscribed "Ken Livingstone pissed here". |
| I think I got it just about right, with such comments as "Labour morale seems to be holding up quite well", "I've been talking up some of the good results Labour's had" and my masterpiece of political prediction for the mayoral contest: "We've got to get into the count tomorrow and see exactly how the votes weigh up before we can predict that". I don't think the latter comment deserved Maitlis's comment about people smiling and not being able to get inside the mind of a blogger. There's nothing difficult about getting inside my mind, I can assure you! I summed it all up with my tour de force: "I think the New Labour brand isn't necessarily sullied... that actually the public like the combination of economic efficiency and tough-on-crime and social justice that New Labour stands for... it's just the 10p thing made them think we'd lost sight of the social justice element". So there you have it. We'll give you all your 10p back and Gordon will be swept back into office with a massive majority at the next General Election. However bad things may have been for Labour on the night, they could have been worse. We could have had Portaloo on our side, endorsing our mayoral candidate: That cheered me up no end. I'm looking forward to Brillo's comments on the next episode of This Week. |
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I'm On Holiday
Oh, f**k it. It's Bank Holiday weekend and after last week's humiliation I simply cannot get round to writing anything without feeling sick. I expect my doppelgänger will manage to be his usual perky self (as opposed to his usual pinky self - couldn't resist a little Iain Dale joke there) and write endless columns of mindless rubbish.
If I know him - and I ought to by now - he'll post about how the whole Party except for me is going down the wrong path, how Labour will never get back into power until Compass is squashed, how some Cabinet Ministers are grinning through gritted teeth and others plotting a coup and how the election really wasn't as bad as people are making out. He might even write something about the NEC, the Australian Labor Party or what Boris will do about Ken's Venezuelan oil deal. And one thing's for sure. He's bound to generate endless f**king lists of constituencies where the vote held up or swung Labour's way in places nobody has ever heard of. As for me - I'm enjoying the sun while it's here. You never know what might happen if Gordon Brown goes outside and looks upwards.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Second "Intellectual Giant" And Gay Porn Film Director Elected
| Last July I published an incisive article about a couple I described at the time as "two intellectual giants of the [London Mayoral] election contest - Boffmeister of the Fourth Estate and Boris "Buffoon" Johnson, or "Pride" and "Prejudice" as they are popularly known." |
| I went on to say: "As far as the latter is concerned, I only need to emphasise the extent to which the Old Etonian MP for leafy Henley and former member of the Bullingdon Club ("The Bullies") will really understand the problems facing Hackney and other inner city boroughs. Boffmeister, editor-in-chief of Dalston's rag mag [EastEight], tree-planter (carbon offsets for his magazine waste paper!) and constant harpie attacker of Hackney Council from the left (eh? - is that right, Linda?) may know a bit more about Hackney, but he's just as easy to ridicule. Boffie is a man whose personal vote is such that he lost Hornsey and Wood Green to Labour in the 1992 General Election with a stunning 3.8% drop in the Tory vote, at a time when Labour nationally increased its vote by only 3.6%. And, of course, we gave him a good stuffing last May." Obviously two total morons, but ones whom Labour could easily deal with and neutralise politically. So yesterday one became London Mayor and the other was elected to the Greater London Assembly, at the head of the Conservative top-up list. |  Boffmeister of the GLA |
| Boffmeister joins an interesting group of no fewer than 11 openly gay, lesbian and bisexual GLA members, none of whom will appeal greatly to the BNP, whose leader Nick Griffin recently wrote: "The word gay means happy, we have no problem with being happy. Some unfortunate people suffer from homosexuality so we will just have to tolerate them. If I was one I would be ashamed and would remain celibate." Speaking of the the summer gay pride parades he said: "I call it gay shame, a freak show, revolting. I know it's politically incorrect, but that's what we are." Which must have sounded very comforting to the former homoerotic film director and newly-elected BNP representative on the GLA, Richard Barnbrook, one of the 11 openly GLB members of the assembly. La-di-dah. |
It's All The Fault Of The Bastard I Supported
I'm very proud today. Ken Livingstone's speech just now was dignified, appropriate and set entirely the right tone. He will go down in history alongside great oratory in death. "Kiss me, Hardy. Thank God I have done my duty." "I'm just going outside. I may not be back for some time." "I am ready to die for my Lord, that in my blood the Church may obtain liberty and peace." "Et tu, Brute?"
On the other hand, it was all the snivelling nasal bastard's own fault. If only he'd listened to people like me and engaged the Labour election machine earlier, he would have won. But Red Ken remains Red Ken. Just like John Kerry and Al Gore he refused to reach out to voters in the centre ground and stuck to his entrenched Trotskyite policies - such as supporting the Olympics, deploying more police, attacking striking London Underground workers, urging non-union workers to scab, defended Ian Blair over the shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes, privatising the East London Line and developing close relations with City bankers, fund managers and multinational conglomerates.
If only Ken had the sense to adopt our strategy of "triangulation", I'm sure he would have won comfortably. He should have reached out to potential BNP voters, white van men and suburban dwellers in general instead of wasting time on his natural supporters. Trades unionists, poor people and the underclass (if they can be bothered to get out of bed) will vote for us anyway, so sod them.
And he should not have been photographed standing next to men with Middle Eastern appearances and bushy black beards, or recorded telling journalists that Hitler was a good chap.
Bill Shankly got it right - to win you need to triangulate. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but if it was good enough for Tony Blair and for the great Liverpool side of the 1980s, it's good enough for me. Just wait until I get the job of General Secretary of the Party. There'll be triangles everywhere, just you wait and see. We can't afford prawn sandwiches any more, but there'll be plenty of Dairylea cheese spread.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Second Votes May Just Swing It
Be prepared for the unexpected when it comes to transfer votes. Brian Paddick just admitted on BBC London that he had given his second preference to Lindsey German, om the grounds that she's the only genuinely non-homophobic candidate on the ballot form apart from himself. Maybe Ken will get loads of transfers from the BNP on the grounds that he's the candidate most likely to open the borders to lots of good-looking female immigrants for their London leader to send photos of his privates to and shag afterwards.
Latest From The Clown
Fresh back from the count at Ally Pally to read this latest piece of witicism from the anarcho-fascist Paul Staines, obviously typed into his computer with the left hand while his right one was busy celebrating the Tory victory and decision by his countryman Paddy Power to pay out on Boris win bets.
POSITION VACANT
Our client, a large scale public sector operator, is seeking a new head of operations. Candidates must be able to deal sensitively with an under pressure CEO in a highly stressful environment and willing to be on-call 24-hours a day.
The enterprise is heavily indebted with declining revenue and critical solvency issues that make it an exciting opportunity in the growing area of sub-prime credit risk. The ideal candidate will be expected to personally underwrite any credit risk. Facing increasing competitive threats which have eroded market share from first to third place, the ideal candidate will be able to enthuse a demoralised and disappointed workforce. Job may require occasional liason with law enforcement officers.
The job is suitable for someone with experience of turning around failing organisations. Pay is limited, based in London.
Interested parties should contact Mr G. Brown, Listening Leader of the Labour Party, C/O Downing Street, London SW1.
Well, Staines, the last laugh is on you. My application (typed with both hands) is already in the post. I have all the necessary qualifications for the job and it's just the sort of opportunity I've been waiting for. I can't wait to get started.
My feelings are best summed up in the words of our Mediterranean island sister organisation (apologies for the fact that they can now afford a microphone but they're still saving up to buy a camcorder):
Off To Pray For A Miracle
I won't be blogging after this post as I am dragging myself along to Alexandra Palace for the final stages of the London count. Before that though I will be having lunch at the Geffrye Museum cafe with Augustus Akehurst and two other under-3s, which will remind me what life in the Labour Cabinet could have been like had I become an MP and progressed from there.
I'm not praying for Ken to win, of course. That would be a miracle. No, I'm praying that the results for the North East constituency sufficiently obfuscate the Hackney vote that no-one notices any inconsistencies between today's count and the 2002 and 2006 local election results. The last thing we want in Hackney is for some smart arse from a university in Vilnius to write reports breaking down the vote and claiming that it shows irreconcilable discrepancies with the Borough local election results and asking how that could possibly be the case.
The Only Way Is Up - Way Up
The last time Labour did this badly in the local elections, the Beatles were top of the charts, Flower Power was all the rage and I wasn't born. Now, 40 years on, these bloody former hippies are all voting Tory. What the hell is going on?
Still, I'm sure we'll learn the lessons. All we need to do is listen more carefully and make sure that our successes are properly communicated to the electorate. So, starting tomorrow it's more focus groups and more PR consultants.
Whoopie! The only way is up. A long, long way up.
Election Night Live Blog
02:33 - Sod it - I've had enough. Everybody else is getting pissed and I'm not going to sit here any longer. I'm off for a good night's sleep before the London count and Ken's triumph tomorrow.
02:22 - At least we don't get the knives out for our candidates before their victories have even been declared. Michael Portillo a few minutes ago: "Of course Boris is a particularly unreliable person. How on earth he's going to run a city like London I just don't know".
02:19 - Oh dear, Kelvin McKenzie didn't win Weybridge. What a shame!
02:12 - I seem to be blogging all on my own here. I think Emily has side-tracked Iain to play with his crotch again.
02:10 - Great news - Labour gains 3 seats and the Greens 1 to take Liverpool from LibDem control to NOC. You know what I think about NOC. It's what I blamed for all the chaos in Hackney a few years ago. But I'm sure it'll be different in Liverpool. Although I can't for the life of me think why.
01:53 - I think there may be some quite unpleasant news coming from the sheep-shaggers fairly soon. That'll please Anne Robinson. I know she loves the place.
01:52 - Now they're taking the piss. I can absolutely assure everyone that Labour will not come third in projected share of the vote.
01:50 - The Tories have seized control of Bury, with 26 seats to our 16.
01:45 - Great news - Labour have nearly won control of Oxford, the council that we controlled after 17 of the 22 elections since 1979.
01:36 - Maitlis is lowering the tone to new depths. She's just asked Lynne Featherstonehaugh (that's Fanshaw to you and me) whether Clegg is expecting his percentage in the polls to reach the same number as his female conquests. By the way, Iain's right about one thing. Clegg has disappeared completely. I wonder if he's raising the bar on his poll target.
01:29 - At least Labour isn't losing any seats in the north.
01:26 - I've had this brilliant idea. Everything that Gordon touches turns to s**t, so I'm going to put it about that everywhere Cameron goes turns into a Labour triumph. I wonder if anyone out there is stupid enough to believe me?
01:25 - Clearly Emily has been leaning a bit too firmly on Iain's crotch. Now he's suggesting that Miss Maitlis might like to engage in some woman-on-woman action with the actress Clemency. And it's only half past one.
01:22 - Tomorrow's Financial Times, under the banner "Smashed In The Ballots" is predicting that Gordon Brown will take a serious step to the left, dismissing the remnants of Blair's New Labour team and trying to project a more Old Labour image.
01:20 - I'm sure it won't be as bad as they are predicting. I mean to say - Labour 24%, Tories 44% - that's ridiculous!
01:03 - With about half of the votes counted in the "key wards", the figures against Labour's disastrous all-time-low in 2004 show Labour down another 2% and the Tories up 7%. Oh well, at least we're bound to do better next time. "The only way is up..."
01:01 - I'm pissed off that Emily has been playing with Iain's crotch, but hasn't been anywhere near me.
12:55 - We've lost Hull, Hartlepool and Harlow. I'm getting very worried about places beginning with "H". But things are fine in Hackney. Mostly because we're not going to the polls today.
12:46 - The Tories have taken Southampton in a shock result. John Denham is looking distinctly worried.
12:40 - I just heard that we lost Nuneaton in something approaching a wipeout.
12:24 - I know we lost Blaenau Gwent to the Independents (ex-Labour), but surely not the Council....?
12:14 - We're being massacred in Birmingham. I blame Jasper Carrot myself. Maybe he'll be Boris's appointee as BME advisor.
I've been looking over Iain Dale's shoulder and just realised how to do this election blog. I had been beginning to wonder how I would manage with hundreds of different posts - but he's shown me how to do the whole thing with one post. Simple for Dale, but not quite so easy for me. So here we go.
Chorley, Surely?
The spoof Akehurst has learnt to impersonate me brilliantly, highlighting many of my weaknesses with stunning accuracy. However, making an incorrect declaration in his very first blog post of the evening is definitely taking the piss. Even I can get this one right:
Chorley - Euxton North
Con 908 Lab 745 Debra Platt (Conservative) takes the seat from Danny Gee (Labour)
Thursday, May 01, 2008
'Lo
I feel like I should offer a formal "hello" to both of the new readers who have found their way to my blog, despite the BBC website having posted a link to my spoofster. Typical Trots!
Welcome, and please feel free to post in the comments section if you have any misery you want to rub into me about tonight's results, or if you think I've written something less daft than usual.
Good luck to any Labour candidates and activists still sober enough to wait up for the results tonight. Great news to start with - we've held Sunderland. It's some place up north where they build warships, so that's great news for my clients in the defence industry!
A Lunch Outing In Stokie
This snap, kindly taken by my local blogging friend Dave Spart, shows me with my heroes Tony Blair and Gordon Brown and my life-long friends Ken Livingstone and Jennette Arnold from the GLA, together with Diane Portillo from the BBC, The Voice and Coutts Bank.
Along with a few local nonentities and a bunch of children, we were setting out from my flat in Beatty Road this afternoon to engage in positive campaigning - handing out a few hundred "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore" leaflets in Stoke Newington High Street before piling into our CLP sponsor's restaurant for a delicious lunch (with fries and shakes). I asked for some foie on the side, but apparently they don't do it.
Welcome To My BBC Election Night Audience
To those of you visiting my blog for the first time after seeing me on BBC Election Night 2008 with David Dimbleby, Emily Maitlis, Iain Dale and Alix Mortimer - welcome. I must confess that I was a bit confused at first, but now they've explained to me that I'm supposed to be discussing the election results. The Representation of the People Act 2000 means I'm severely limited in the topics on which I can offer wise comment, which doesn't really impact on me much as that's my normal condition. Still - it never stopped me opening my mouth before.
Try to be sympathetic, as I'm going to be having a very uncomfortable night. All over England and Wales there's going to be bad news for the New Labour Project, to which I'm totally committed except during occasional and inexplicable fits of pseudo-left-wing insanity. And even worse, it looks distinctly possible that my conversion from rabid Ken-hater to leading canvasser for the same Mr. Livingstone may have contributed to his downfall. I do hope he doesn't blame Gordon and me publicly afterwards.
Who am I? I'm "Luke The Nuke" - ex-public schoolboy, now Public Affairs Director of one of the world's most powerful PR conglomerates. Supporter of Israel, nuclear power stations and Trident replacement and a consultant to international armaments manufacturers and UK Government outsourcing companies. And a serial runner-up at parliamentary elections. Just the sort of chap who forms the bedrock of today's Labour Party (in partnership with the Greens).
It's because I'm Labour's face of failure that I've been selected to take part in the programme on this day when my record is expected to be especially relevant to the election results. To find out more about my absurd politics and beliefs, look in the sidebar of this blog. You'll easily recognise me on TV - I'm the really good looking ginger-haired one wedged in-between the porcine Tory blogger and the two women who know something about politics. That's me, on the left (hahaha!)
Don't be fooled by this idiot, who has been going round impersonating me ever since we had an unbelievably good result in the 2006 local elections in Hackney and I started up a blog to crow about it. You can easily tell that he's a fraudster - just read his blog and look for any clues that he might be a socialist, genuinely concerned for the working class and dispossessed. Bloody hell. Robert Tressell would have had something to say about him, alright!
Happy May Day, everyone. Workers of the world, unite - you have nothing to lose but your fixed-rate mortgages.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
A Few Wolf-Whistles
I know I can be a bit dim at times, but midway through a gruelling afternoon down at the BBC Election Night studio in Millbank it suddenly dawned on me. Maybe, just maybe, I wasn't invited to take part in the BBC's election broadcasts because of my handsome face, my informed punditry or my political connections.
David Dimbleby gave it away when, as I first entered the studios, he said loudly: "Blimey, you've managed to find someone to represent Labour". Of course it was only for the late night number-crunching bit of the programme, with a few comments about how much I fancy the LibDem blogger thrown in for good measure. The main Labour representative would be a lot more important than me, of course.
It got worse. Dimbleby rocked back in his chair and laughed as he informed us all that Tessa Jowell would be representing the Government on the night as no serving Cabinet Minister was prepared to be humiliated as the results came in. Still, she's a Minister of sorts even if a demoted one, and more importantly the Minister for London and the Olympics. This will prove extremely useful as the London count is not taking place until Friday and hence on Thursday night she can plead ignorance in response to almost all questions likely to be asked, explaining that they don't come within her brief.
The bad news was not so much that Tessa couldn't be arsed to turn up for rehearsals, as that someone was needed to stand in for her. And guess who got the job? God, it was humiliating. I simply didn't believe Dimbleby when he clacked on about Dustin Hoffman and method acting and how important it was for me to get fully into character for the part. And the wolf-whistles from the camera crew!
What really put me off, though, was when David Dimbleby told me I was "feisty". I really think he fancied me.
I'm going to finish this post with a few predictions:
If you are Labour and reading this, you shouldn't be! Go and watch the Champions League semi-final instead. Have a few beers. Pretend all this isn't really happening!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Oh S**t, Why Did I Open My Big Stupid Mouth?
Just 6 months ago I was all fired up over Gordon's Big Tent. Oh, how times change. If only I'd seen then what I see now.
When I declared for Ken in January, I had absolutely no idea that four months later it would be Boris erecting the big tent and I would be excluded because of my rabid support for Mr. Livingstone. Even more ironic given that I can't stand the man (Ken, this is, not Boris).
Now the Mayoral election is all over bar the counting, with Ken's odds lengthening all the time and Boris 5-2 on to win, the Buffoon has been dishing out places in his big tent to all sorts of people.
First to accept a post was the MP for Vauxhall, Kate Hoey, who'll be Mayor's advisor on sports and the Olympics.
Slightly more reticent to come forward in advance of the official result (for fairly obvious reasons) is Brian Paddick, the LibDem Mayoral candidate widely tipped to become Chair of the Metropolitan Police Authority.
Just think what I could have been offered if I'd had the sense to keep my trap shut. Mayor's advisor on ginger rights? City Hall restaurant manager? Boris's personal political blogging consultant? All jobs with salaries in excess of £100,000 a year and with massive expenses. Even better than being an MP. Oh, s**t!
Oh Come On - It's Not My Fault!
I've had some very unnecessary comments since I announced that I'd be popping into City Hall on Thursday night.
The "erection night" and "pinky & perky" comments I can take, although I don't find them at all funny. But the suggestion that I've acquired "the Gordon touch" after being re-elected unopposed as Chief Whip for the 7th successive year is deeply offensive. I can assure all my readers that the flooding of City Hall has absolutely no connection whatever with my planned visit there.
After consulting with Labour colleagues in Whitehall, I can also confirm that there will be no outbreaks of ugly and painful sores, the North sea will continue to comprise salt water, no rivers of blood are expected despite Channel4 documentaries on Enoch Powell, temperatures will be normal for the season, there will be no widespread power cuts, the river Euphrates will continue to flow despite the US "surge", London will remain united and no hailstorms are anticipated. In addition, numbers of flies, frogs, lice and locusts are expected to remain substantially unchanged.
Breaking news...
The cat is out of the bag. It looks like all will be well for the trip to City Hall, after all. My well-known jaundiced view of LibDems had already been seriously challenged by the prospect of a date with the posh Alix Mortimer. I was quite taken aback when I saw the whole nine yards and - although I was pooped and a bit three sheets to the wind last night - I could really fancy making some headway there, son of a gun! But when I heard that Captain Mortimer (as she is known on the high seas) is planning to sail her ship, the SS. Dubrovnik, into City Hall for the election night broadcasts I was totally blown overboard.
Wow! Am I up for that? The weather's looking a bit rough and it may be cold enough on Thursday night to freeze the balls of off a brass monkey, but I'm planning to dismantle my inhibitions, overhaul my rig, get a crew cut and forge ahead. With a bit of good luck and a windfall in the offing, I'll batten down the hatches, splice her mainbrace and have a field day, even if there is no room to swing a cat down there. I hope Linda doesn't find out, because if she does there'll be the devil to pay. My water-logged skylarking intentions will go by the board, the wife and I will be at loggerheads, I'll be between the devil and the deep blue sea and at the bitter end I'll have to pipe down, dismantle my plans, scuttle the evening and toe the line. And that would be a mutinous shame, by and large.
Monday, April 28, 2008
A Night On The Tiles
 Alix Mortimer and Emily Maitlis | Unlike most politicos who will be at the election counts on Thursday night, I've got the night off as we count during the London Mayoral election during the day on Friday. So, don't tell Linda, but I've arranged a double date for the evening with my mate Iain and a couple of gorgeous women - 29-year-old brunette freelance writer and researcher Alix for me and 37-year-old blonde TV presenter for Iain (well, he is a lot older than me, after all). Apparently, Emily has to show her face at work, so we'll all have to turn up there later on. Obviously Iain and I are just the dates, so we're not expected to appear in front of camera, but you never know what might happen with the Beeb. |
| In fact, I can just see it now: |
Introducing Luke and Iain - the BBC's handsome, intelligent and witty political pundits - who will guide you through the evening by:
|  Two strikingly handsome men |
| If anyone has any thoughts about where we could take Alix and Emily for the evening for a good time - not too far from City Hall because that's where we need to be later in the night - do drop me a message at lukeakehurst@email.com. The same applies if you have any good gossip you think should get wider attention via our blogs. |
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The Mayoral Election In Hackney - A Tight Battle Between Our Little Fiefdom And The Tory Majority
Another day, another ward, another canvassing session. This time it was that bit of the massive, run-down Woodberry Down Estate that's in Brownswood Ward. I had to go to this tiny little bit of the estate, of course, because it's Labour-controlled. Even so, I felt very nervous, with loads of people telling me to f**k off.
We made 120 contacts of which 44 identified themselves as Labour votes and the remainder said they would vote against Labour or not vote at all. That's not bad, I suppose, compared with the vast majority of the Woodberry Down Estate which falls inside the Tory-controlled New River Ward, from where Boris will be getting quite a few votes next week.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
The Boys On The Streets
Over on politicalbetting.com, failed LibDem parliamentary candidate Mike Smithson has predicted that Ken Livingstone is heading for a massive increase in his share of the first-round vote next Thursday, to a level beyond even that achieved when he first stormed into office in his purple bus in 2000. "So for every seven Londoners who gave Ken their first preferences in 2004, MORI found that eight would do so on Thursday", says Smithson. Well, not being someone who is easily impressed by the punditry of LibDems (although I'm much more favourably disposed to failed parliamentary candidates), I thought I'd take part in today's canvassing in Hackney North & Stokie instead.
A small group of 46 Labour activists (including Julian's mates Ronnie and Reggie plus some of their friends from South London, Hertfordshire, Essex and Kent) took a slow drive around Leabridge Ward, which has always returned three Labour Councillors. It's mainly but not exclusively social housing but low rise with a lot of buy-to-let leaseholders most of whom were out sunbathing in Springfield Park so we didn't have to listen to them bleating on about how the credit crunch was affecting their property portfolios and how Boris would sort it all out. The ethnic mix includes large Turkish, Kurdish and West African minorities, several thousand of whom are employed by Hackney Council.
Ronnie and Reggie invited people to step up to the darkened windows of their limos to report their voting intentions. The returns from the 279 electors canvassed were as follows:
Labour (including those unable to comprehend the question but understanding the right answer) - 261
I knew your mother, she had a heart of gold - 3
I'm not from round here, but I'll certainly vote now you've given me a ballot form - 14
Yes, I'd think seriously about changing my electricity supplier - 1
Now even allowing for over-enthusiastic canvassing, this suggests that Hackney will return a massive majority for Ken, even bigger than Julian's victory in the last Hackney Mayoral election when many of the supporters of other candidates inadvertently put their ballot forms into an elephant's arse rather than into the ballot box.
The betting markets are also looking better for Ken. Most bookies have his odds shortening, at a rate that suggests that he will become the punters' favourite by June 2012, easily in time for the Olympic Games. I'm a bit puzzled by Mike Smithson's personal gambling comment, though: "I've been waiting with a fist-full of cash ready to make some significant investments and the prices simply have not moved enough." Which, given that the odds against Ken are shortening, makes me wonder on who's nose he was planning to put his fist-full of cash. Unless he was planning to throw his money away on Brian Paddick, this can only mean that he was planning to back Boris as his odds lengthen. I wonder whether I should really pay serious attention to a LibDem who is desperate to put wads of wonga on a Tory victory?
Smiths And Morrissey Competition
I've been rightly chastised for omitting Councillor Stauber from my earlier attempt at a mapping of Smiths And Morrissey tracks onto my Labour Group. As I explained in my apology, I was so busy looking at floor-crossers in Castle Point, I forgot the ones in Hackney - but that's because I always focus on parliament rather than on the local peasants. Well my wrist is well and truly smacked and I've decided to throw a competition open to those whose interest in the local riff-raff is greater than mine. 
All you have to do is nominate suitable tracks either by the Smiths or Morrissey solo that you feel best describe your favourite local Labour Councillors. I've had my go - now it's your turn.
There are some great titles to choose from - Ambitious Outsiders, Barbarism Begins At Home, Best Friend On The Payroll, Break Up The Family, Certain People I Know, The Edges Are No Longer Parallel, Girl Least Likely To, Hairdresser On Fire, The Harsh Truth Of The Camera Eye, The Headmaster Ritual, Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now, I Keep Mine Hidden, I Started Something I Couldn't Finish, Interesting Drug, Never Had No One Ever, November Spawned A Monster, Nowhere Fast, Panic, Pretty Girls Make Graves, Rubber Ring, Shoplifters Of The World Unite, Sweet And Tender Hooligan, Work Is A Four Letter Word and You've Had Her, to name but a few.
Send your answers to lukeakehurst@email.com. Each suggestion must be accompanied by a clear explanation of why you think the song title is better suited to that particular Councillor than my own nomination. Deadline - Saturday May 17th. The winner will win a captioned and signed photo of themselves with the person they selected.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Now They're All At It
If it wasn't bad enough for little, unimportant me being spoofed, now someone's at it with Harriet Harman.
I'm a bit gutless, myself, but Harriet is much tougher and she has moved immediately to have this ridiculous spoof closed down. Clicking on the link above will now get you nowhere, so it's lucky I took the above screen snapshot earlier. It's probably the same spoofster, because there are some strong connections between the two spoofs. Both make it seem as if their victims are politically unstable - veering madly between the opposing wings of our party. In my case it was from supporting Trident replacement and the Israeli invasion of Lebanon to campaigning for Ken Livingstone and supporting Frank Field and his 10p rebels. In Harriet's case it was the other way round - changing her firm commitment and ceaseless efforts for Labour in the local elections into campaign support for Boris The Buffoon.
Anyone with half a brain can see through these nonsense spoofs and recognise the real article. My politics are far more stable and rational than those of the spoofster, as evidenced by my postings here on my blog. And Harriet likewise shows a cheerful, positive and stable demeanour on her real blog, where just like me she has to waste time explaining what's what to idiots who confuse the real website with the fake one.